blank memories

Just now, I went to my blog in Wretch which have been neglected by me for more than half a year.

I started writing the blog in the end of my senior high school life. I have a strange habit when I'm writing my blog, every piece of my articles other people can see is about happy things happened before, and I would always hide those sad part secretly, and sometimes I even delete those sad parts. I hate to let other people to see my grey side, because it always makes other people feel worried and infected with my negative emotions. Showing my happy memories can not only entertain my friends when they read my blog but also make myself happy when I surf my articles.

At that time, writing a blog was such a happy thing for me, because most everythings I wrote was about my hapiness, because I got few things to worry about, to be sad for.

Everytime when I wrote the blog, I always had to spent more than half an hour to finish a piece of writing, because I just couldn't write what I think at that moment out directly, I'm bad at editing word, maybe. Before every words typed down, I spend very very much time on running back over my memory in the brain and think what happened before and feel how I felt at that moment. It is really a hard work to flash back things which touched my heart, especially the refeeling part. I have to retaste again and again how I felt to write down how I felt, and everytime I try to recall my deepest feeling and memories, I can't help but think of those unhappy parts. When I'm recalling my happy part , it really makes me feel happy, but when I think of something sad, every moment during the writing was a torture to me because I have to experience those bad things again and again.

As the time goes by, maybe everyone have to be foced to grow, I gradually find that happy things get less and less, and more and more unhappy things come to me. Everytime I tried to write down those happy memories, sadness, emptiness, anger come to me, too. It was so hard to get those annoying negative emotions out of my mind. Just like three or fourvicious ant biting inside slowly and bit by bit during that I'd rather being bitten by a toxic viper and die right away.

As a result, I gave up writing anyway. I wanna escape from those bad emotions. I don't wanna feel hurt anymore. Writing memories always made me think of bad memories.

Just a moment before, I browsed some blog of my senior high school friends', everyone leads his or her colorful life and there's filled with memories, maybe happiness, maybe sadness, maybe anger. So colorful that I'm so jealous.

And then, I started browsing the blog I wrote before, and griefly I found that all I can see in my blog was only

empty...

and I tried to recall anything I can still think of and wanna grip them, I found I can't... There are only some incomplete pieces of memories.

What the hell life I live in these days........?